Holiday Stress and Past Wounds Brought Back to the Surface
Holiday wounds live in your thought associations and come up through the body
The holidays are expected to be busy and loud. But less people expect their past family wounds to come up so readily amongst the stress. You walk into a house you grew up in, hear a tone of voice you have not heard in a year, and your body answers before your mind does. Your chest tightens. You go quiet, or you get sharp. Later you wonder why a dinner was exhausting. Holiday trauma is real and this season will be no different.
If that sounds familiar, nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do. The good news is that you can plan for it, and planning changes how the season goes.
Start with these four things for Holiday Past Wounds
- Decide your exits before you arrive. Know how you will leave a room, a conversation, or the whole gathering, and give yourself permission to use that plan. A plan you never need is still worth having.
- Pick one person who knows. A partner, a sibling, a friend who is a text away. You do not need to explain everything. “This week is hard for me, and I might need to step out” is enough.
- Hold on to one steady thing in your normal life. Your morning walk, your coffee ritual, ten minutes of quiet with the door closed. The season takes a lot of your routine away. Protect one piece of it.
- Shorten the visit if you need to. An afternoon you can handle is better than a weekend you dread. The people who love you would rather have a shorter, calmer version of you than a longer, braced one.
Why the holiday stress hits so hard
Trauma lives in the body as much as in memory. The smell of a kitchen, a song playing in the next room, the sound of a car in the driveway… all of it can land you back in an earlier moment without any decision on your part. This is not weakness or oversensitivity. It is how a nervous system that once had to stay on alert keeps doing its job long after the danger has passed.
The holidays stack every trigger at once. Old roles come back. The sibling who always teased you still teases you. The parent who never asked how you were still does not ask. Add less sleep, increase the alcohol, over crowd the rooms, and the pressure can be overwhelming by the second day.
Many people also carry a quieter grief underneath. Grief for the family they wished they had, the childhood that wasn’t safe, and the version of the holidays everyone else seems to get. That grief deserves room too.
What to do in the moment
When your body starts to brace, the goal is not to make the feeling disappear. The goal is to remind your system that you are here, now, and you have choices. Find your feet. Press them into the floor and notice the pressure. It sounds small. It works.
Name what is happening to yourself, silently. “I am getting activated. This is an old response. I am an adult, and I can leave.” Naming it moves you a half step out of the flood.
Step outside for five minutes. Cold air and a change of room are two of the fastest resets we have. Nobody at the table will remember that you got up.
Lower the bar for the day. You do not have to resolve anything with anyone this week. Getting through with your dignity intact is a complete success.
Give yourself a landing
What happens after the gathering matters as much as what happens during it. Build in a quiet evening when you get home. Do not schedule a big social thing the next day. Expect to feel tired or flat for a day or two, and treat that as recovery, not failure. If you notice you are replaying moments on a loop, write them down. Getting them onto paper gives your mind somewhere else to put them, instead of the middle of the night.
When it is more than a hard week
The stressors in your life that are yet sorted, often come out during the holidays. If you find that you are still on edge weeks later, that sleep has not come back, that you are avoiding people or places you used to enjoy, or that you feel numb or detached more than you feel like yourself, it may be time to look at the underlying wound rather than just the season.
Trauma therapy is not about reliving the worst moments in detail. It helps your nervous system learn the danger is over, so a kitchen can be a kitchen again. That work takes time, and it is some of the most meaningful work we do.
You do not have to carry this through another holiday on your own. Reach out for a complimentary consultation, and we will help you figure out what kind of support fits. Whatever you decide, we hope this season lets you be a little more yourself.
More on Stressful Holidays . . .
The end of the year holidays often bring a mixture of emotions for people. Excitement, hope and joy are all emotions we may experience as we look forward to seeing people we haven’t seen in a while, return to places we are connected to, and think of gifts to give to loved ones. The holidays bring unique experiences we wait all year for like baking special breads and preparing special foods, listening to music and singing songs unique to this time of year, decorating our homes with special lighting and meaningful items. The kids have an extended time out of school and those who are away often come home, vacations are planned and enjoyed. As a year is coming to an end, it’s also often a time for reflection and planning for the new year.
With so much going on, this can also be a time for sadness, disappointment, and stress. Perhaps this is the first holiday without a loved one. Seeing the empty place at the table or thinking of getting through the new year without someone to celebrate with can be painful. Homecomings can be fraught with tension and distress as old, unhealed hurts are poked again. Perhaps finances are tighter than before.
There is a lot of pressure at this time of year to produce something: post excellent year end numbers for work; present a model like appearance for a party; create an amazing holiday party; send out the perfect family holiday card; make sure each side of your family feels equally attended to. Beginning before Thanksgiving now there are constant messages to spend money and look happy. Whether the holiday season has a religious focus for you or not, we are bombarded by messages about making others happy through spending. Getting through this time of year with grace and ease is possible.
Beyond the religious element, there are many opportunities that come through the fall and winter. As the days get shorter, colder, darker, wetter, and grayer, we spend more time in doors. This offers us the opportunity to slow down and in slowing down, an opportunity to reflect and appreciate. Beginning with Thanksgiving, it’s a time to think about all those things you are grateful for: loved ones and friendship, health, community, purpose, activities you enjoy, and so much more. It doesn’t mean everything in your life or the world is perfect. It doesn’t mean denying that there isn’t much pain and injustice around us. It means that these good things are also true and it’s important to honor them as well. Spending time focusing on the good things in your life, even if the list seems filled with inconsequential things, will help cultivate a positive mood and a sense of calm.
As you spend less time out doing things, you are also presented with a great opportunity to reflect on your year and assess where you are in your life. Again, you may not be exactly where you thought you’d be or where you think you ought to be, but acknowledge those things you have learned, begun, or accomplished in the last year. And then you can begin thinking about where you would like to take your life in the upcoming year and ponder how you might achieve those goals. Remember to include lighthearted and fun goals as well. Cooking class? New garden bed design for your yard? Dance class? A travel adventure? Again, creating a balance of goals that are challenging and goals that are fun will keep your life interesting and engaging.
Even if this is not a religious holiday for you, you can take a que from its celebratory nature. With all the gloomy dark and dampness, how do you want to make your home feel cozy? How do you want to acknowledge those who are most important to you with a joyous activity or meal? How might you cultivate a spirit of giving and generosity that will extend beyond the holidays? Have you taken time to examine and honor transformative moments in your life? What was it about those moments or about those people who came into your life that inspired you to see yourself differently and influenced the trajectory of your life? Take time to reflect on the learning and gifts of those moments/people and how you can continue to honor them and build on them in the upcoming year.
While your mood and energy levels may be influenced by the fall, winter and early spring weather in the Pacific Northwest and you may struggle with endless bombardment of commercials and holiday music, there are ways to bring your own take on the opportunities presented during this time. Intentionally engaging in those things that are meaningful to you, keeping realistic expectations about how various events will go, and balancing challenging things with joyous things will help you experience both ease and grace in your life. Enjoy!