Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother (Part 1)
How to Identify Them Now You Are Older
by Bluestone Psychological Services
“My mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose. What color was the blood?” – We use to repeat this rhyme to figure out whom was “out” or “it” or “on” which team. What an odd scenario this story tells! Someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent may wish they could do the punching.
On the surface and to her friends, she is embraced but you know your mom to be easily frustrated, critical of others, always right, and self-centeredly brittle. Her co-workers and friends don’t know her the way you do. Unpredictable maternal love often topped with hyper-control and anger. You have walked on eggshells so long, your feet are covered in yolk.
Here are some characteristics a narcissistic mother:
- The socially engaged mom becomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, or at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.
- She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now. Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like she’s the upmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
- She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother. It’s not above her to compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.
- She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She is charismatic, smiles and even holds chats with them while saving her criticism and opinions for the house.
- She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get a validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
- She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.
- The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.
People have mothers with narcissistic traits including no empathy or failure communication or self-absorbed. Over the years, clients report similar traits of their parents and then talk about fallout including troubling anxiety, slow weakening depression, and a loss of self-confidence.
“The mother gazes at the baby in her arms, and the baby gazes at his mother’s face and finds himself therein…provided that the mother is really looking at the unique, small, helpless being and not projecting her own expectations, fears, and plans for the child. In that case, the child would find not him/herself in his mother’s face, but rather the mother’s own projections. This child would remain without a mirror, and for the rest of his life would be seeking this mirror in vain.” – Donald Woods Winnicott
The narcissist is “psychologically constructed to garner attention, be it from charisma, beauty, smarts or finances”. Many people are like this, and a few have narcissistic traits, but healthy people reorient themselves when raising children.
- Healthy mothers come home and support their kids—not control them.
- Narcissistic mothers continue to need attention and control, even at home.
- Most kids decide just to please her and hope they get whatever good they can out of it.
If you had a narcissistic mother, the key element was that she had little patience or empathy for the independent and demanding needs of her children (and kids need a lot).
This can be costly to the growing child.
Part 2 coming at the end of May . . .