Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother (Part 1)
How to Identify Them Now You Are Older
by Bluestone Psychological Services
“My mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose. What color was the blood?” – We use to repeat this rhyme to figure out whom was “out” or “it” or “on” which team. What an odd scenario this story tells! Someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent may wish they could do the punching.
On the surface and to her friends, she is embraced but you know your mom to be easily frustrated, critical of others, always right, and self-centeredly brittle. Her co-workers and friends don’t know her the way you do. Unpredictable maternal love often topped with hyper-control and anger. You have walked on eggshells so long, your feet are covered in yolk.
Here are some characteristics a narcissistic mother:
- The socially engaged mom becomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, or at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.
- She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now. Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like she’s the upmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
- She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother. It’s not above her to compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.
- She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She is charismatic, smiles and even holds chats with them while saving her criticism and opinions for the house.
- She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get a validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
- She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.
- The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.
People have mothers with narcissistic traits including no empathy or failure communication or self-absorbed. Over the years, clients report similar traits of their parents and then talk about fallout including troubling anxiety, slow weakening depression, and a loss of self-confidence.
“The mother gazes at the baby in her arms, and the baby gazes at his mother’s face and finds himself therein…provided that the mother is really looking at the unique, small, helpless being and not projecting her own expectations, fears, and plans for the child. In that case, the child would find not him/herself in his mother’s face, but rather the mother’s own projections. This child would remain without a mirror, and for the rest of his life would be seeking this mirror in vain.” – Donald Woods Winnicott
The narcissist is “psychologically constructed to garner attention, be it from charisma, beauty, smarts or finances”. Many people are like this, and a few have narcissistic traits, but healthy people reorient themselves when raising children.
- Healthy mothers come home and support their kids—not control them.
- Narcissistic mothers continue to need attention and control, even at home.
- Most kids decide just to please her and hope they get whatever good they can out of it.
If you had a narcissistic mother, the key element was that she had little patience or empathy for the independent and demanding needs of her children (and kids need a lot).
This can be costly to the growing child.
What To Do About Narcissistic Mothers (part 2)
Tangible Steps to Try
by Bluestone Psychological Services
Psychology Today blogger, Karyl McBride, Ph.D. puts it this way:
“Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others.”
Just remember—you were always good enough for her. It was her problem she didn’t get it. Try not to make it yours.
What Tangible Steps Can you Take:
- Get a consultation with a good therapist. Maternal support is so essential for healthy adult life Starting effective therapy could make the difference. You will have to objectify the deprivation you experienced and see how it plays out in the present moment. This is the first step to change. You may be clinically depressed or anxious and need to overcome a psychological disorder. Once free, it will be easier to deal with your upbringing. Plus, finding a middle ground with your mom after experiencing the emotional pain she has caused will not be easy. But you may want to come to terms with your mom because you probably love her regardless.
- Her vanity and egotistical tendencies strain your relationship. Your mom needs to be the center of attention, or all isn’t right in the world. The best you can do is accept your mother for who she is, while keeping her in check. Try not to allow her to hurt you or your ego as she satisfies and feeds hers. As long as she expresses her love for you, understand that her vanity is one of those characteristics you can’t do anything about.
- Set good limits and keep hurt to a minimum. Your mother may make you feel like a failure when things aren’t going her way. But remember—that’s her problem, not yours. She may express her rage and dissatisfaction with something and take it out on you by proxy. Simply let her know that what she’s doing isn’t constructive. You can develop ways (often with the help of therapy) to walk away or defuse the situation. It’s better to take charge than becoming the passive recipient of hurt.
- Remember your self-worth because a narcissistic mother will downplay it. You didn’t receive the empathy and validation that you deserved as a child, and this has followed you into adulthood. Keep in mind that people with narcissistic tendencies have a deficit with empathy because they’re simply too preoccupied with their own needs. So, don’t expect your mom to pass this department with flying colors or you’ll be sorely disappointed.
- Be realistic when dealing with your mom. It will be more difficult for your mother to hurt you if you know what to expect during your encounters. It should be fairly predictable. You’re more than aware of how selfish she can be, so keep this in mind when you continue your relationship with her as an adult. And keep the necessary distance you need in order to keep your conflicts at bay.
- Assure your mother that if she is doing something for you, she will benefit.This is not an entirely honest approach to dealing with your mom, but in some extreme narcissistic cases, you need to serve her with her own dose of manipulation. If you need her help in something, the only way you may see any results is if you successfully spin it to make her appear as the one who benefits. I am hesitant to write this, but it may help some people. This is not sanction to be a manipulator yourself.
- If distancing isn’t your approach, then accepting your narcissistic mother the way she is and letting go of wanting more may work. It isn’t easy cutting your mom out of your life or reducing time together. After all, it isn’t like dealing with a narcissistic partner. And you may feel a sense of loyalty to her. So, if you can step back, it may be possible to comply with many of your mom’s wishes and not fight with her. This can work if you have truly forgiven her and accept what you’re dealing with. You can be a dutiful son or daughter, even if she fell way short. You are not living under her roof, so going along to get along can work, as long as it doesn’t cause bitterness.
- If your relationship with your mom becomes threatening or toxic, the only way out may be to distance yourself from the relationship. It isn’t healthy continuing an abusive or violent relationship regardless of who it is with. It will hurt to cut ties with your mom, but if therapy can’t mediate it, taking distance and precaution may be the only answer.
- Did your mother taint your dating habits or expectations? Perhaps you haven’t realized it, but have you become a vain and egotistical yourself, especially in your love life? Or perhaps you lack trust in those who seek interest in you? Or even worse, you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic partner? Any of these scenarios will decrease your ability to be truly intimate with another person. Awareness and good treatment can open doors.
- Put your foot down and assert your own authority, while challenging hers. Its pretty apparent narcissists loathe criticism—because everything they do in their world is always right. Well, you are now an adult who can politely inform your mother that her know-it-all, threatening attitude is no longer—and has never been—tolerable. Under certain circumstances it can be constructive to fight back fire with fire. Just know that this can backfire (she may need to win at all costs), so choose your battles carefully.
- Having compassion and pity for your narcissistic mother. Your mother probably needs compassion, pity, and empathy from you, although it may not seem that way. She had her own injuries; maybe a hard life or her own narcissistic parents. People don’t become so self-centered without an injury somewhere along the way. Just know that although she has a hard way of showing it, she may still really care about you. Sometimes it’s time to throw her a bone.
Acceptance is Key
Your mom comes home and demands attention. If you hold back, she takes offense and attacks. She’s tired. She’s irritated. She just wants it her way, and your feelings better align with hers. If you have to hear the word “ungrateful” one more time you’ll scream. But most times you don’t. Then you get a little older, your consciousness continues to evolve, and you realize your mother’s actions and behavior lacks normal maternal nurturing. You see other kids and their parents.
Not all self-involved mothers are bone fide narcissists. Some just have narcissistic tendencies, but children will be affected nevertheless. By coming to terms with your mother’s shortcomings, you can truly emancipate. Knowledge is power.
add’l content by:
David A Morris, LCSW